I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Randomize
