I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
