I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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