I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
