I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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