wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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