When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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