I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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