Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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