u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize