you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
