I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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