Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
