I feel great
I just peed on a car
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
