And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize