I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
