$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
