Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
