i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
