Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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