I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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