I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
