Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
