omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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