i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
