Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
she smelled like a LAN party
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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