she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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