omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
