Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
