I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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