Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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