worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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