She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
