I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Ketchup is God's man juice
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
