He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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