I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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