Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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