Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
