I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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