piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
