Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
