Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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