so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
