Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
