i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
She swung at the pinata with crutches
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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