The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
