I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
