i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
