he wants to bone in the snuggie
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
