This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
