Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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