He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
