Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize