she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
