I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
